the week of

(originally written on march 18, 2022 - never posted)

this week is the week. on sunday i’ll run the la marathon. i didn’t think today would come honestly. in ways it’s felt like the longest few months of my life but somehow these last few have flown by. my emotions are all over the place. i’m feeling immense amounts of imposter syndrome, almost like everything i’ve done won’t be enough for the day and my anxiety in general is at an all time high.

the past two months have been difficult. training has left me drained, but i have persisted. my body and my mind are at odds with each other right now. i’m ready to rest - i need it. this week has been full of it, and all i want to do is move. the paradox is full of irony. i need the rest but am full of restless energy.

i’ve been questioning myself a lot this week. i started wondering if i should have just allowed myself to quit. thoughts and anxiety of feeling im not strong enough, or able enough to move forward and succeed at running the full marathon were creeping into my mind at all times.

something i did when that was happening which i found to be really helpful and calming was every time i started feeling anxious, just pictured myself crossing the finish line. just trying to visualize myself in the moment, and what that would feel like for me when i got there. re-directing my nervous energy into a moment that i would want to feel insane gratitude and pride was making the nerves subside slightly.

i worked very hard to get to this point, and for what its worth i am excited to see that pay off for myself and finally see this come to fruition.