“you’re not a quitter”
(originally written on jan 26, 2022 - never posted)
i didn’t think training would get to me the way that it has. i never thought much about how long, or tiresome the process would be. i was staying focused on the week ahead of me, and not looking forward at the longevity of the process.
once i was cleared to run again after healing from my injury, overcoming the mental battle has been the bigger struggle more so than the physical one has been. for a while i was convinced i’d get hurt again and could only run for maybe 30 seconds at a time before feeling the need to stop.
when i first started writing this post, it was after i had a mental break in my running. i hadn’t experienced anything like that before. my body and my mind were out of sync with one another, but both were shutting down. one morning while on a long run, at the two mile mark i had a breakdown. sitting on the side of the road at 6:30 in the morning, i couldn’t get myself to continue. i was supposed to run 16 miles that day, and i almost took me 45 minutes to run the two i did. i was struggling and did not know where to turn.
over the holidays i took a week off and thought that was enough. everyone close to me knew in the weeks surrounding that time i was feeling exhausted and a bit tired of the training and felt it was important to take some time off. that weekend when i was unable to i finish my run i was questioning everything, mainly if i should even continue training for this marathon. i broke, mentally and physically. i had decided to stop but wouldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about that decision.
around this time i was struggling with a lot in my personal life, and felt i would regret not giving myself the win of at least finishing the marathon. i put so much into my training - and i ultimately changed my goal to only be crossing the finish line. no time requirement, no pace expectation, just a goal to finish. the next few weeks are going to be some of the hardest, but i don’t want to give up, if for nothing for myself.